endless static sea.

Thu, 18 Mar 2010 08:42:48 GMT

Each time I think I know everything about myself, a truth is uncovered and I realize that I really only had the very corner of an infinite puzzle somewhat put together. An unfinished equation.
Tonight I feel my identity washing over me like blue light, have I been crawling in the dark for so long?
The feeling is sweet, becoming yourself. Not stepping up, but rather out, into the abyss of the balance, connecting with inner wisdom.
I met a girl named Zoe tonight, her body danced as she moved. Soft and feathery she floated and bobbed and her bare toes tapped on the floor. Her skin was milky white and her eyes were big and warm and when we met she hugged me like a sister. We had the same feet.
Inexplicably intertwined by an unspoken sacredness that poured from our fingertips like honey.

Sat, 13 Mar 2010 19:24:23 GMT

How quickly you've flip flopped my world, this topsy turvy heart feels good.

Sun, 28 Feb 2010 19:31:59 GMT

To be human, to feel. To endure emptiness in order to feel full. To be fulfilled only to be hollow once again.

Wed, 17 Feb 2010 17:18:04 GMT

Two people in love is possibly the most dangerous force known to man.

Thu, 28 Jan 2010 19:12:18 GMT

A precious life lost to addiction and you're "pounding beers" in his honor?
It's devastating.

Wed, 20 Jan 2010 18:44:37 GMT

I do not like the person I become when I am here, although I know her very well. She wears her insecurities like a mask, doubts herself, hides inside of herself. She lets other people shape the way she acts, being molded and transformed by young, materialistic souls. She is shamed into self doubt easily and wears loneliness like a cloak as she navigates her way through dark and menacing social structures, obeying a hierarchy of nonsense. Lashing out at others with fists and gossip, her heart burns with guilt.
I know that love is the most powerful force, it guides and shapes all, and still I hold the shade of my former self over my eyes.
This pain, this darkness, ends now. Let white light envelop my soul, let each breath I exhale be full of love, let each word I utter bring sight to blind souls. Today I will be my best self.

Fri, 15 Jan 2010 16:19:22 GMT

Dreams that make me wonder if I have chosen the right reality.

Sun, 10 Jan 2010 17:11:19 GMT

My thoughts and I dance through the universe. Sometimes I think others can hear the music, I reach my hand to them, "Would you care for a dance?". I watch their faces grow pasty white as they retreat back into their human shell, answering to a social hierarchy and forgetting themselves. I want to scoop up souls, let them rest softly in my palms, and sprinkle them across the sky like seeds. A new thought planted, the truth of the balance, of love, reaching it's tiny arms to the sun, embracing all that is was and will be. This life is lonely, but only in human terms. Energy courses through us, around us, within us. Someday we will join hands with all that is and dance forever more, someday you will join me.

breathing the eternal love light

Sun, 10 Jan 2010 05:19:29 GMT

words trickling through the caverns of my mind
hovering in and out of conscious thought
a synapse strangled by foreign chemicals
each thought a beam of light
occurring throughout time, not always available but always existent
like a star’s light penetrating the retina
of new young eyes
did its light burn out decades ago
or does it shine in this moment as it appears?
twisting and turning, flowing becoming breathing
the balance of existence flows on
it never was, therefore it is
you and i
breathing into ourselves
breathing out one eternal breath, together
a flower withers and drops daintily to the soil
becomes the soil
the moon rises
a mother holds her new child, filled with eternal love light
the soil nourishes the flower and once again a bloom unfurls
and opens its wise petals to take in the sunlight

Thu, 07 Jan 2010 17:01:20 GMT

I'm feeling incredibly sentimental these days. I just love everyone so much that it makes me cry. I've been thinking about my old boyfriend from tenth grade a lot, I still want him around sometimes, he made me laugh. It's odd to think certain people fall out of our lives and we never get them back, it's also beautiful.
I'm merely accepting things as they come and letting myself feel, finally I can feel.
Breathing in to feel love for my self, breathing out to let my love join the oneness, the universe.

Sun, 03 Jan 2010 01:56:38 GMT

The desert is draining.

Sat, 26 Dec 2009 10:10:11 GMT

Tonight my brothers and I sat in a circle and talked about our parents’ divorce. Dylan was drunk and he instigated the talk, blurting out some out of the blue comment about our “fucked up family”. Zach calmly asked Dylan to share how he felt about the divorce, we had never really spoken about it before. Dylan began to tell us he felt as if it was sprung on him, recalling a phone conversation in which my dad had told him “Son, I’m coming to Laguna this weekend. By the way your mom and I are getting divorced”. Zane expressed that he felt like it was sudden too, that they seemed so happy.
Me? I knew it was over the moment my dad started sleeping in the guest room, I saw their love die. I mentioned to my brothers that I hadn’t really been surprised when they split and Zach said he knew it was over years ago as well. As Zach spoke, I noticed Dylan’s eyes begin to darken, something brewed inside of him that I had never seen before. Zach and I discussed that our parents were simply unhappy, it was their time to part, how thankful we are that they are still able to be in the same room. That was when the Dylan unleashed his bitter feelings, he told us that if someone commits to a marriage and children, they should stay true to that commitment no matter how unhappy they are. Dylan resents my mother for not staying and taking care of my father as he grew older, he resents that she is happy with another man. When I asked him, “so you think mom should sacrifice her happiness so dad won’t be lonely?” he answered “absolutely”. After storming out of the room I fell to my bed and sobbed, I’m not sure why. Perhaps it is because he will never understand, but I think it was mostly out of love. I love my family so much and their turmoil and confusion and anguish is so beautifully tragic that it overwhelms me. My father, once strong and angry grows frail and soft and sad. My mother, so full of life and love and light, I see myself in her and I see her in myself. And my brothers, oh my brothers, my life lines, my protectors, an unbreakable connection. Zach, wise and funny and talented, someone I wish I knew better. Zane, my best friend, always giving and helping and loving, he brings light to my life that is vital to my well-being. And Dylan, groping in the darkness for understanding, he drinks himself into oblivion, I know him but he will never know me. Sometimes it makes me sad when I think about the way we fell apart, but what would happiness be without sadness? And did we really fall apart or are we just falling together? I don't know everything, but I do know that we are a family, regardless of legal documents and separate houses, we are forever bonded by blood and eternally connected by love.

Mon, 14 Dec 2009 17:16:31 GMT

My horoscope today really got me thinking:
A good life is full of romance, but it doesn't always have to mean intimate relationships. You can have a romance with a place, pet, child, or another person without being in an adult relationship. The key to romance is being the muse that sees the true beauty in something else.

Must we have intimacy to have a relationship? I believe human relationships are important and vital to our spiritual growth, but they also force us to rely entirely on human emotion, which is scary and painful. Being tied down by emotions we cannot help feeling limits us to a purely human existence. Throughout my life, I have found a few people I truly care for and maintaining a friendship with them far surpasses humanly desires. Sacrificing something deep and spiritual for something so petty as sex is painful and unnecessary. I consider myself to be in a relationship with the universe, and I don't need to take anyone to bed to make it official.

Thu, 03 Dec 2009 19:27:50 GMT

I like pot but my lungs don't, they're so disagreeable sometimes.

Sun, 29 Nov 2009 02:35:22 GMT

As I sit here looking through the scope of time at the people I have known, I see the transformation of each. I see a rose budding, she is beautiful and each of her thorns are battle scars, and she is strong and it makes me proud to know her. I see a daisy growing in the dead of winter, her magnificent golden inner light nourishes her, she glows in her steady strength. I gaze upon a sunflower, she is brightly unique and her brilliant yellow petals only soak in the sunlight and she radiates joy upon every creature that surrounds her. As I walk through the garden of time, I shudder as I pass by a violet. She, who was once stunning in her simple beauty, now crumbles with frost bite, she is still beautiful but her light has been lost and replaced with bitter black ice. I turn away from the sad lost violet only to lay my eyes upon a bird of paradise. She was unusual once, in the way that made one want to know more, she was exquisite, one of a kind. A weed winds it's way along her stem, smothering the once elegant bloom in her wickedness.
I weep the tears of change, both in joy and in sorrow. It's the essence of life, so raw and pure and true: some petals wither whilst others curl open to breathe in the sunlight, but beneath the soil our sacred roots intertwine and we drink from the same rainfall.

Sat, 28 Nov 2009 09:46:40 GMT

I feel like the slutty Larry David.

Fri, 27 Nov 2009 10:11:27 GMT

When it comes to an issue with a close friend, is it better to be straightforward or to let something slide? See, I've always thought it best to come out and say it when something bothers me, but I'm starting to wonder if it's better to remain silent and avoid toe-stepping altogether. Is my friendship with someone worth, for example, pointing out that they owe me twenty bucks? No, it isn't. But the real question is: if I do speak up, is our friendship strong enough to prevail? And if the friendship fails, was it really very strong to begin with? I suppose every situation is relative to the people involved, but a situation like that is always sticky. If one avoids confrontation at all costs, they will seldom lose a friend over something they've said. But if we don't speak up, we will never be heard. And unfortunately in this world, people who aren't up front are taken advantage of by people who are.
It's all so frustrating, being a human.

Tue, 24 Nov 2009 18:13:55 GMT

You've got a sick, sad evil behind your eyes. Evil only found in a lost child, the evil is not his own, but it has become a part of him. A fevered flame envelops a small origami dove. Drawn like a moth, I flitted about, dangerously close to your fire. Burnt wings and a strong heart carried me to shelter. The dove is merely ash now, an afterthought of what it once was.
The inevitability of it all is a little bit beautiful, but for the most part catastrophic.

Tue, 24 Nov 2009 09:08:35 GMT

I'm always being myself. I just have a lot of selves.

Sun, 22 Nov 2009 17:09:49 GMT

The desert is the same.
Still nothing to do and always beautiful. Beautiful yet surreal.

Thu, 19 Nov 2009 06:10:46 GMT

I think this is what it feels like to be a grown up, or at least a young adult. I've never been this productive in my life, unless you count smoking pot and watching Curb as worthwhile. I have a real job, I go to college, I study and do my homework, I even work out and eat healthy food. Maybe it's not much, but this change in lifestyle has drastically improved my positive outlook on life. I don't want a run of the mill job when I graduate and I don't want to just be another no name in a cubicle. I know that by putting effort into school and my job now, I will be opening up doors for myself in the future. I know that when I'm older I can do something I love and get paid for it if I play my cards right.
And while money and careers don't really matter at all in the scheme of things, they do affect me in this lifetime so I might as well make myself comfortable.

Mon, 16 Nov 2009 03:40:59 GMT

I'm going lez, no joke.

i want to live that way

Fri, 13 Nov 2009 20:43:51 GMT

Remain calm and neutral. Breathe. Accept others rather than criticize them for their faults. Love and forgive everyone. Empathize.
I want to live this way at all times so very badly, but my human nature gets the best of my sometimes. It is absolutely vital to keep in mind that I can only control my present.
For our present becomes our future and our future becomes our past.

Wed, 11 Nov 2009 17:43:54 GMT

I really miss Jenn, I wish she lived here.

Mon, 09 Nov 2009 18:57:46 GMT

Life is stressful, but the stress has become a constant drone in the back of my mind. It is manageable due to its consistency. Maja, Court and I are getting along well enough, I think we make a pretty good tripod despite our differences and occasional tiffs.
I got my tongue pierced. My mother is convinced I am a fellatio fiend now, which is pretty funny considering the nonexistence amount of action I've been getting.
I got a job as a telemarketer. I got two people to donate money last night over the phone. It's very hard to be pushy when I usually try to avoid coming across as pushy at all costs. At least I can stop buying pot with my parents' money now and start using my own.
I'm so tired of essays. I want a vacation!